No Sanity Required
No Sanity Required is a weekly podcast hosted by Brody Holloway and Snowbird Outfitters. Each week, we engage culture and personal stories with a Gospel-driven perspective. Our mission is to equip the Church to pierce the darkness with the light of Christ by sharing the vision, ideas, and passions God has used to carry us through 26 years of student ministry. Find more content at swoutfitters.com.
No Sanity Required
Too Far Gone? A Story of Tragedy, Hope, and Redemption
*In this episode, we talk openly about grief, death, and personal tragedy. If these topics are difficult for you, please listen with care.*
In this powerful and deeply personal episode, Blake and Taylor share their journey through professional trauma, personal tragedy, and spiritual crisis. Blake, a firefighter following in his father's footsteps, found his identity in serving others—until the cumulative weight of devastating calls and a heartbreaking miscarriage nearly destroyed his faith, his marriage, and his sense of self.
Together, Blake and Taylor recount the darkest moments of their lives: the grief of losing a child, the psychological toll of emergency service work, and the silent suffering that almost tore them apart. But through pain, confrontation, and unexpected grace, they discovered that no one is beyond redemption. This is a story about God's great grace and redemption in the lives of Blake and Taylor—and a reminder that no one is ever too broken for God to restore.
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Click here to get our Colossians Bible study.
What's up y'all? It's JB here I'm going to be doing the intro. We are crazy busy in the heat of things for summer, so all of our schedules are crazy, but I'm so thankful that Brody was able to sit down and do this interview. He grabbed Blake and Taylor, who's a married couple, and they actually came as chaperones. They're youth leaders in their youth group and it was just so cool to hear their story.
Speaker 1:Brody has known Blake's dad for a while. They've been connected with SWO for a while and so he was just catching up with Blake and hearing his story and Brody said hey, man, would you like to share this on no Sanity, on the podcast? And so I'm super grateful and thankful for their vulnerability and their just such short notice to come up on NSR and share their story. It was super impactful and encouraging for me to hear and I hope and pray that their story impacts you and encourages you. And, like I said, man, they were just they're awesome so vulnerable. It was just so cool to meet them and to hear their story and so, yeah, that's what we'll be getting into. I really hope you guys enjoy. Welcome to no Sanity Required.
Speaker 2:Welcome to no Sanity Required from the Ministry of Snowbird Wilderness Outfitters. A podcast about the bible, culture and stories from around the globe how long y'all been married seven years going on.
Speaker 3:Seven and y'all were childhood sweethearts we were.
Speaker 4:We were, oh well, you say childhood. I know like we met in first grade, um, and it was only first grade in that class that we were together very quickly, starting from second grade to ninth. She was doing so well in school and I was.
Speaker 3:I was your average boy and so we got separated pretty quickly um, like a creek water drinking kind of kid.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, she was worried about reading books and I was out drinking creek water, that's for sure. So, um, it wasn't until ninth grade that we had got back into the same classes. We had seen each other, but that was about it. And then it was ninth grade. I was like what's different? What's different about taylor cooper over there? Like I don't know what you're talking about. I was like no, something's different. One of leaders here, his older brother was at the time with me and I said that's her. He's like what do you mean? I said that's the girl that I'm going to marry right there. And he's like yeah, okay, and it was.
Speaker 5:She made me fight for it, you know what I'm thinking about right now is I got saved the summer before ninth grade saved the summer before ninth grade. Oh really, yep, that's right that's right, but the summer before ninth grade, oh that's cool. It was like probably three weeks before. I was like how am I gonna go to high school as a christian?
Speaker 3:oh no wow, that's cool.
Speaker 4:So like in retrospect I was a lot different actually that's cool oh yeah, I would stare at her from the back of the class and I was really slick, but apparently she saw me the entire time. I was not slick, super subtle.
Speaker 5:You're still very stealthy.
Speaker 3:And y'all got married right after high school.
Speaker 4:We did. We graduated 2017 in May and then, by August of 2018, we got married.
Speaker 3:You grew up at Madison Street.
Speaker 5:He did.
Speaker 3:Oh, you did, I did. I know Blake's dad, but he used to go to FPC and now goes to Cross Church. These are all area churches in Stark Florida where these guys are from. So when did you end up at Madison Street? Was that because of your relationship with Callahan, one of the pastors?
Speaker 4:there I grew up. When my parents had me, they were at an older Baptist church that didn't really have a young foundation there. There was no next generation really coming up. They had tried out Madison Street and were hooked. They had been there all my life. I'd stay there because that was my family.
Speaker 4:I was plugged in, mom and dad, what it was this first Baptist was splitting I'm not quite sure what you want to call it, but they were turning into a new church. Somebody was taking that, and so they had come and talked to some Madison Street people, because the people who were starting it used to go to Madison Street. We're like, hey, we're starting a new church. And so mom and dad had felt that their family was led to that church and we had to pray about it as a newly married couple, which is a big decision All my family's moving away from this church and we had to decide a very heavy decision very quickly I'm sorry, but God is calling us to stay here and which was tough, especially because COVID hit right after that and nobody, especially because covid hit right after that and nobody.
Speaker 4:You know, like churches closed down, yeah, um so, and we had an interim, all the different stuff. So we were like, did we make the right choice? Was that really what god was telling us? And then richard shows up and we were like, oh, yeah, yeah, no we, we did the right thing.
Speaker 3:We, we really love our choice richard's the lead pastor at that church and he's a good friend, snubbered friend, good friend of mine, awesome dude. Um, uh, callahan, kind of he's a pastor, he's, he's the guy that brings students to swo. I've known callahan since, uh, maybe 2020, 2021. I was speaking at a pastor's conference in jacksonville and richard brought callahan can meet some people and you're like, oh, oh man, this guy, we're on the same team, same tribe and he the Lord had really used him in your life.
Speaker 3:I know we'll get into that. That really plays into y'all story, as we're about to get into that story. But what was your history with him? So you had, you had known him prior.
Speaker 4:I didn't know him at all until he started. We were his. Madison street was his first job as a youth pastor.
Speaker 3:So he was your youth pastor.
Speaker 4:Yes, he started my junior year.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 4:And we are the reason he now has all of his rules in place. We really trialed him by fire Trialed by fire For sure. Welcome to youth ministry. Welcome to youth ministry.
Speaker 3:You did him a favor, man.
Speaker 5:And he was like 25 or something. He was young.
Speaker 4:He wasn't that much older than we were, you know, it's really been really cool to see callahan and his wife delaney change and grow, as everyone else has in ministry, just because we get there and they're they're kids, you know um older we are, but yeah, but like they weren't quite sure what to do, we were kind of finding loopholes on what we can do and, um, just seeing everybody grow.
Speaker 4:But he, he's done a great job. It's really been great having callahan there in youth and um, it's really been fun as an adult now talking with him as he's become our best friend him and delaney yeah, that was like right after high school telling him stories and I'm so glad y'all didn't do that when I was there. I'm like you were there.
Speaker 3:I'm so glad we did it didn't do that when I was there. I'm like you were there, I'm so glad we didn't. You were there. Callahan's so faithful. We came to y'all's church on Easter Sunday, maybe three years ago. We were staying. There's a lot of lakes in y'all's area, I don't know if y'all remember this, but we just walked in. I didn't know he could sing. That dude gets up there and I don't even remember what he sung. Now, but little, my wife, little, is like no, I don't want to say critical, she just appreciates music. I don't. I'm just like, yeah, that guy sings good, but I mean I like Dwight Yoakam. So I don't. I don't know how good my taste is, you know, but you know when somebody's legit and Little's like we're in church and she goes, oh my goodness, this guy's phenomenal, yeah, and shout out Callahan's an NSR listener, He'll listen to this.
Speaker 4:Yeah, he's going to have a hard time walking through doors after this podcast, that's for sure. That head, yeah, he's very humble, except in board games. He'll tell you right now he has the Lord's favor in board games.
Speaker 3:He's not humble there. Not a bad. That's a good place to have Lord's favor. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 5:I mean it's unreal.
Speaker 3:Really.
Speaker 4:Like nine out of ten times he beats us. He wins. Has to be Lord's favor, has to be It'll be me.
Speaker 5:Blake, callahan and Delaney and we're like board game night. It's just everybody against Callahan. We're just going to try to make them lose tonight.
Speaker 3:That's the game 100%.
Speaker 5:But then I'll trade and Delany just looks at me like why are you breaking the rules? Do not trade with Callahan, we're going to lose.
Speaker 3:Okay, so is this like? I think it was Colonel Mustard with the candlestick?
Speaker 4:in the library we're talking Catan. Okay, this is more the strategy games.
Speaker 5:okay, yes, all right yeah because now, even even just random, like he, still wins like exploding kittens and all you do is flip a card and hope for the best.
Speaker 4:Some people, some people just have favor in those ways. That's why it's an extreme love language for me to play card games with her she loves it because, well, she'll win.
Speaker 4:I don't care what the game is, she'll win. But I asked her to play checkers. We were newly married. One time she was traveling with me for a job and I I thought right then and there she was gonna be like you know what I'm done? Um, I like she's like I despise checkers, and we're newly married. I was like I hadn't, I had no idea, and so I had immediately stepped on toes and, uh, we've never played checkers again.
Speaker 5:Hilarious that's my checkers, checkers, almost you just walked by checkers and I'm like remember that day.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we're not gonna play that game no more um, so let's get into I'd like to get into y'all first off y'all story. You shared it with me the other night and I was like man, I really want the nsr crowd to hear this because it's a powerful and it's it's still an ongoing unfolding. We're all still in our story. If you're breathing and living, you're still in your story. So I want to be real clear. Anytime I have someone on NSR, I like to make sure people understand we're not telling you a story that has now come to an end unless that person has passed. And we've done episodes, for you know, we did one on my, my father-in-law. Um, I I'd kind of told story and it's like, yeah, that story's come to an end, but y'all are in the thick of life. I mean, you've got two little girls, what?
Speaker 4:are their ages, beautiful girls. One is about to be three, the other one is six months, right after we get home.
Speaker 3:All right, yeah, so buckle up, girl, dad, life is the life for me. I also raise boys and, um, I also raised boys, and that is a different animal. They do things like drink out of the Creek and and go to the bathroom places they shouldn't, and you know. So, um, yeah, being a girl, that's awesome. So y'all, y'all are in the middle. I mean, you got baby girls. I mean life is beginning for you, but it almost didn't get started. That's what we want to get into. It almost derailed before we could even see the lord start to build and grow this family, and so, um, let's go back to. Your dad was a firefighter, so that's the path you took you're going into nursing you become a firefighter.
Speaker 4:That you that was the dream always wanted to do. That was life yeah, um, you see your dad in that role. That's, and most firefighters are that way. Most firefighters are second generation, third generation, um. There are some who are like, yeah, it's the first time, um, but you can't see a male figure in your life in that role and not feel like that's, that's the tip of the spear right there.
Speaker 4:That that's the manly job like that. That guy right there, um, and uh, yeah, that was that was it. I was like this is what I'm gonna do, and I told her that in high school and I had to do some odd and end jobs before I could get there. I let her finish school first and then it was my turn. But oh yeah, that was always the always the goal so you, you get into that career field.
Speaker 3:How long, how? How long were you in that before you started to realize trauma and death? And you're, you're, you're showing up on people's worst day. And how long did that end to the career before that became a reality?
Speaker 4:they start telling you in school, like they start preparing you mentally, and you know, and you see pictures and you're studying cases, you know and calls and going through scenarios. But I mean, day one, day one, you show up on the job. Somebody calls and it's not a, it's not a test, it's not a. You know, like hey, we're going to start them off easy. People die every day, people have terrible events happen every day.
Speaker 3:So what was your? What was the day one call, what was your first call?
Speaker 4:Day one call um, to be honest, um and this just gives an insight into first responders not 90% of the job is medical, 5% of the job is embarrassing things, Um and really um, nasty stories, and then about 5% is fires. So my first call really to break me in and everybody in the department thought it was really funny was a woman who needed help getting out of a chair so that way they could replace the chair with a new one. And, yes, very heavy and anyway.
Speaker 4:So as the rookie, and the new guy they thought this was right up his alley and unfortunately there are a lot of smells in this environment. Your nose gets broken pretty quick, you know, and you can't sit here. You don't want to make anybody feel bad, yeah you don't want to make them seem.
Speaker 5:you know you're judging them, so you sit here, you don't want to make anybody feel bad, you don't? Yeah, you don't want to make them seem. You know you're judging them.
Speaker 4:So you're just sitting here with a smile on your face, you're still like showing the love of Christ.
Speaker 5:You're not able to stand up on your own, and this is the worst smile I've ever smelled in my life.
Speaker 4:So, anyway, we come here while they say while you're here, can we, can you help us change her? And you are a public servant? Yes, yes, ma'am yes, we can wow and uh, and then we help her in her new chair and so that right there just really gets you into um, you know, calls that you don't think you're going to go on in school they don't tell you, hey, you're going to go to. Really nasty, embarrassing calls that seem not 9-1-1 worthy like you should not impress 9-1-1.
Speaker 4:You should have called your daughter-in-law call family, but that is the sad reality is family isn't there, there's no family, she's alone so, um, yeah, so that was my first call.
Speaker 4:But then, immediately after that, it was a rollover with two teens. Luckily they were okay. But I mean, you're rolling up and you're this new guy, this new kid, and all of a sudden you're like that truck is total. Oh my gosh, they have to be dead. I'm like, no, they're out there. And you're like, oh, okay, that's good. But then you'll show up and it's a you know fender bender and you're like, oh, okay, everybody must be okay. No, he had a heart attack when he hit that car.
Speaker 4:So it, yeah, there's no, almost soft arbitrary who dies and who survives Sometimes it makes you, makes you numb to it and, honestly, this whole, you know and I'm glad to be doing this, it is a privilege to be here and um, you know, first responders, firefighters, law enforcement, um, they don't talk about it and talk about the job. And uh, like we said the other night, um, you don't want to seem like a victim, you don't want to seem like this person who's like I can't handle this, you know, uh, and then also like being the PTSD and stuff is new. Uh, if you get diagnosed with that, they'll take you off the job. And so you're talking about guys who've been on the job now and are afraid to lose pensions, retirements, whatever, and all of a sudden they're like hey, listen, I'm struggling here. They're quick, all right. Well, you, you know you need to be on light duty or you need to be like medical. You know, like what is it?
Speaker 4:Um, let's say you're medically unfit and basically they will retire you right there. You're on medical mental leave. People don't want that. People don't open up. You also don't want to feel like less of a man, so you bottle it up. That's why the number one cause of firefighter death for a long time was heart attacks and cancer. One out of three firefighters die of cancer every year. Now the new highest cause of death is suicide, and so you got to think if one out of three are dying of cancer, how many are dying of suicide? It's real rampant. We had it in multiple departments when I was working, all around us, and so I think it's good to talk about it, as hard as it is for me to especially talk about what we will hear in a minute. It's um, it's important.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and one thing we always try to do on NSR is, from time to time, really shine a light on the service. I don't like to use the word sacrifice. I hate that word. Jesus was sacrificed. Sacrifice, I hate that word. Jesus was sacrificed.
Speaker 3:Um, I have a hard time, even as patriotic as I am thinking of. You know, I did. I did the Murph on Memorial day. I did the Murph workout and you think of Michael Murphy, and yes, he's, his life was sacrificed for the freedom of this country and for the. You know that's a big deal to me, but I love that.
Speaker 3:It's called service, it's a life of service because you're serving. And it's to me that there's this bigger gospel component of that. Same in the medical field. It's the same in the medical field, even though y'all aren't first responders. Um, jesus said son of man didn't come to be served but to serve and to give his life. Now to serve and to sacrifice, you know, and so I think a lot of times.
Speaker 3:So sacrifice is those people that die in the line, but service is what consumes your entire career and I um you going on that first call. That's. That's a bad day for that lady. You know who's creating a God's image who's probably completely humiliated. Or maybe she's at a point in her life where this is just her lot in life and she's like I don't you know, but that's, and so you're serving. You ain't saving anybody's life, but you're serving. And I want to have people on here like y'all, because a lot of our listeners live in that. We have a ton of firefighters, leos, military veterans, active duty military and I always want to shine a light on that, but I don't want to do it in a cheesy way where it's like thank you for your service, I'm going to pick up your tab, that's great, but I don't want to do it in a cheesy way where it's like thank you for your service.
Speaker 3:You know I'm going to pick up your tab. That's great, but I want to. I want stories to be told, and especially stories that intersect with the gospel, and so there's pretty early in your career, you have one of those life changing calls that you go on way earlier than I expected.
Speaker 4:And you know and I love the way you look at that that thank you for your service, not sacrifice, um, the men and women who are on the job, whether it's law enforcement, firefighter, even military right, um, the the mental thing there is it's, it's the job, that's our job. Whether you know, when people like how do you, how do you run into that building, or how do you do this, or whatever it's the job, you know, she asked me some questions. She's like you know, like on that you call, we'll talk about here in a minute like did you not look? And like, no, you don't look, you just are told go and you go, um, and it's not. Oh, look at me. Every man and woman on the job does that because that's what they want to do. And so even the 343 firefighters who died, um, you know, for nine, you know, during 9 them, them guys right there would have told you this is my job. Them guys didn't have to go in. They said we're going, yeah, and so, um, it's uh, it's, it's a lot, um, but at the same time, they are, they are eager and they're ready, um, and that is. That is a really cool thing because they I didn't realize how much time, even in two years, I had missed with our first daughter. Uh, until I'm out and we're looking at videos and I'm like why, you know, she in my, you know, tell her go. She's like, you know, what's funny is I, all these videos we have is because I had to send them to you and I was like I had no idea that I missed that much. Um, so, yeah, no, no, it's um, it's quick. Yeah, no, life-changing calls happen real quick and I, and honestly, I think if, if any firefighter or law enforcement officer, anybody really listening, um, if they were really take a moment to reflect on it themselves, they would admit.
Speaker 4:Every day you see something that bothers you. You push it back. I hope you open up to somebody and you talk about it, whether it's a brother on the force, brother in your department, or hopefully you have a good Christian brother that you can come to and get good spiritual advice. Because what I had found is you build a deep relationship with the people you serve with. Your life is in their hands. You fully trust these people and you go to for advice and it's not their fault, but if somebody is not a Christian. They're not pursuing God. They might give you good advice, but it's not the advice you need and there's no hope sometimes in that advice. Sometimes their advice comes from a place of hurt as well. Here's what I did and I'm doing, okay, you know. So I would highly encourage someone to find a good Christian brother, even if they're not on the department, right? You don't think that? We think that, like people can't bear, people don't want to hear what we see, the Bible calls you to bear one another's burden.
Speaker 4:Yes, but it's a heavy burden and that's why and I'm hoping that I don't um get emotional here in a minute, but it's a heavy heavy burden and you almost kind of like I don't want to put that on somebody else because I didn't want that on me right? I didn't want to see that in the first place. Um so, um, it's kind of like secondhand smoking, like I chose to smoke smoke. You know what I mean. They didn't choose smoke, so um anyway, um, yeah, no, you don't.
Speaker 4:You don't really know how fast your life will get changed or what you will see. Um, because everybody has an emergency every day. Um, and you can. There are blissful days where you won't get a single call. You'll show up for all 24 hours and you can wash your truck, take a nap, do some training, work out, and it's just a wonderful day with the guys. And then the next day is cardiac arrest, a stroke, a fire, a wreck, and it's just, it's everything. The world falls apart and you're the one they call to fix it. A huge burden we even talked about the other day. I started to because it's such a big job and I was so excited to be a part of this. I saw my dad do it and I just I look up to him so much in that I very quickly was like this is my identity. I removed myself outside of like oh, I'm a, you know, christian. First and above all else, I became a firefighter.
Speaker 5:Well, that's like a big part of our culture, I think, to just perpetuate, like people working to make other things happen, you know, I mean we all have to work together to make life go around and like so it's almost like perpetuated in your culture, like oh, it's not. Like, oh, who are you? It's like, oh, hey, my name's taylor, what do you do? Yeah, that's.
Speaker 3:that's very insightful and I think that is tied to um. When you look at at Genesis 3 and God is sort of he's cursing the earth, basically because of sin, and he talks about how Adam is going to have to labor and toil and strive but that the earth is not going to cooperate. That's not when work became a thing. God, before the fall, god had told Adam to work. Work was to be stewardship and partnership with God, so work was part of God's original design. But then, after the fall, work becomes, there's becomes tension where work is hard. But it's also I think that's where it became an identifying characteristic for people. This is what I do If it's not who you are, but it's also, I think that's where it became an identifying characteristic for people. This is what I do If it's not who you are, but I don't want to discount. But it is a big part of shaping and forming who you are. But it's not your identity, it's an identifying characteristic of you.
Speaker 5:All through the Bible, though, people are discriminated. You know I'm a shepherd, so I'm going to live in this region. You're going to stay here because you're a lot better than I am. You're Egyptian, so you get to stay in the nice places, but I'll take care of the cattle and I'll do the hard work.
Speaker 3:That's insightful, that's a good thought. So let's get into that call that started to, I think, turn for you. It started to change you.
Speaker 4:I, you know, you asked my parents, which obviously they're not here, to confirm that. But, um, always a big heart always cares. Um, I take I do my dad picks, and so you know I pick. That's how the men are, but, um, we care a lot and uh, that's the. You know, seeing dad help people, that's what I wanted to do.
Speaker 4:So, um, you did your best to put on a front like, oh yeah, these calls don't bother me, but they stacked up pretty quick and so I think it wasn't until we had a little bit of, you know, trauma in our lives that really I just started to snowball. Um, cause, like we talked about the other night, it's really easy to be like, oh, I have hope, god's working everything out for their good. You know what I mean. Like I see this family lose this person in this way and I see all this death or, or, um, you know, life changing injury, and I'm like, okay, god will make that good, god will make that good. And then my life is impacted and I'm either like you know what you know, so the, the hope started to go away and um, the first, the first um, and the first, the first.
Speaker 3:And that your life being impacted outside of the job. But something that y'all went through is what you're talking about.
Speaker 4:Okay, do you want to talk about that? It was.
Speaker 5:We had a we miscarried a baby in between our two daughters, and it was. I have never been more blindsided. Well, our first pregnancy was perfect, so I just, I guess, assumed. And then, as soon as you get pregnant, you imagine life as like oh, in nine months, our life's going to look like this. In three years, it's going to look like this, this. And then, in you know one ultrasound, it goes from hope for the future to just a completely different outlook and and somehow you just feel like you, you grieve a person you never met.
Speaker 5:sorry it's um you, you grieve a person that you never got to meet but you love just as much as, like I do, my first daughter. You know, sorry, I told you that I I got saved in ninth grade, you know, and that was the first time where I was like, oh, like we talked about this week, like God uses all things for our good and for his glory and like, up until that incident, I could see, like, no matter what, god's sovereign and mighty and all powerful over everything. But then I was like, if he, I was just angry because I, like I still knew that I wish I didn't believe that any less and that made me more angry, because I was like, if you were all powerful, like you could have said okay, like you could have said yes and brought my baby here to perfection you know what I mean and created them in my womb, like only the master can do. And anyways, it was sorry, it was difficult, very difficult, and I was just, I was shaken in a way that had never been shaken and torn down and Blake had to lead me as a husband, and like he had never had to lead me before because I'm pretty, I don't know like he's a good husband and a good spiritual leader, but he had never had to be. He had to lead me to christ like that, because I was active, like I could feel myself actively pushing him.
Speaker 5:When I told him like I talked about, I was like I don't believe in God any less and I don't deny any of the truths that I know of him to be true. But I also know that I'm angry, like I'm just angry. I'm angry that you could have just kept that little baby's heart beating and you, just like he, decided not to. I just felt like, and so I pushed him away, like I quit reading my bible, I quit praying. Like basically, like whenever you get mad at somebody, or when somebody gets mad at somebody, I don't really do this, and they just like bring it up again just to be like I can't believe you did that bad thing. You're so you know, like I would just communicate and it would come from a place of like I just need I miss. It's your. It's like I missed my best friend, like my heart was like aching and longing, you know, to be close to the father again and I, like my mind was like how can you, like there's no forgiveness, I can't forgive you for taking my baby away.
Speaker 5:And I told him that I was like I've never felt like more like distant from the Lord. But also I've never felt the Lord pulling me so hard back and like and felt actively, like if you're going to pull me this hard, like why? Why just leave me alone? I just want to be far away. And he was like, don't be far. Like I could just feel him, like like your heart aches whenever you're homesick from, like, your family. I don't, I don't get homesick from my home. I could stay. It's a place. But if we're apart for too long, my heart aches for you. I just want to be back close again. My heart was just aching for so long and I was like I just want to ache, I just want to feel my baby. I'm not going to have whoever it was. Our first daughter says it's a brother. She still talks about her brother. I'm like okay, thank you, let him know, but it it was just hard. I don't remember where that started we talked the other night about.
Speaker 3:One thing I think about with our miscarriages is that I'm, I'm gonna in the sermon text. Yesterday in spencer's sermon he had romans 8, 18. I consider the suffering of this present time not worth comparing to the glory that's to be revealed and knowing that that child's gone before me has experienced that glory is waiting for me. It's going to be. I did a deep dive study into heaven this past year. Um, I'm almost old enough to get, uh, the senior coffee discount at mcdonald's and it's the first time I've ever in my 30 some year, christian life got saved.
Speaker 3:When I was 20. It's the first time I've ever studied heaven and I got so excited like it. It it just changed my life, thinking about this and but but in moment, the point being you're in a difficult spot. So now you're back to what you were saying, blake. You're dealing with this at home.
Speaker 4:You still got to go to work, and work is trauma and death, and you end up that it was no, you couldn't internalizeize it all, you couldn't compartmentalize it all, and then work starts to now have a different impact because you're so beat up personally I don't in no way blame taylor for me not being able to to cope or have time to process, uh, cause she, she was hit hard by the miscarriage, um, right away, and so I was doing my absolute best to be there for her and encourage her. Um, and you're right, the job just kept going and so, uh, that was a very hard time to leave and experience pain and come home and experience pain, um, I would love to say that I was just strong enough to just deal with it and fight it. But I know that one of my prayers that I started praying when I got on the job was the horrors of what you see isn't necessarily the pain, but it's seeing the family's reaction, seeing the loss that the families go through, and I pray, I was like I never. I was like I don't want to see that, I don't want that to be me. And it quickly became us, you know, and in no way the same as some families losing a child that they've known for years. You know what I in no way the same as some families losing a child that they've known for years. You know what I mean. That's also just different, but still, it was a pain for us and I.
Speaker 4:You know one of the calls that goes right in there with it that I think about and it goes hand in hand. I think it's one of the reasons why I've never really been able to forget that call and I never. I never had nightmares about the job, you know, and I if there's first responders listening you know what I mean. I know I I'm talking more than most first responders do, but I want to try and help somebody if I can. I never had nightmares about the job or saw the calls in my mind until I quit. When I quit, that's when I saw them and, um, one of the ones that stick with me.
Speaker 4:The worst and really was in my mind about that one was we went to a call for an overdose and you know, you go in, I'm walking behind the medics, I'm carrying everything and the guy, the friend who had come to, I guess, check on the lady, see the lady, whatever had found her. And so he's leading us back into the back room and as we pass I see this 10-year-old girl in her pajamas and on her iPad. All kids are on iPads now, not our kids, but anyway she's on her iPad. And so we walk past and we get to the back room and that's where we find the younger mother I want to say mid-20s a lot of life left to live had decided, I guess, when she went to bed, to take some fentanyl. And we all know how fentanyl is affecting the country, we all know the outcome of that. And so she obviously overdosed.
Speaker 4:And if that's not sad enough, um, it's, and it's amazing. The details your mind won't let you forget. Uh, meanwhile, you'll forget some of the sweetest things. Um, she, when she overdosed, was holding her one two month old two-month-old. You know, one two-month-olds can't do much, right, kids are limp, kids are there, kids are there. They do whatever you have them do. They're along for the ride. But this little one two-month-old had enough fight in it to where this kid's got just a handful of the mom's hair and just ripped out fighting for his life. But unfortunately she smothered it and so you sheet both of them. You're already scarred, you know what I mean. You're like, oh gosh, this is terrible. And, um, you're walking out and, uh, I'm just lucky enough, as we're walking out and walking up behind the medics, carrying everything you're always trying to avoid, you know, especially a call where family's nearby, like you know, I'm just, I'm gonna walk, I'm gonna let somebody else tell them, whatever the outcome is.
Speaker 4:and um, the 10 year old girl looks up at me and the people I'm with. She said, uh, uh, is my mom up yet with baby sis to take me to school? What do you say to that? You know, you just walked out. So it's tough. So, yeah, so you know, seeing that kind of loss, especially so young, and then having that, I think our miscarriage happened and then that call happened.
Speaker 5:You know, seeing that kind of loss, especially so young, and having that it was oh, I think they were. I think her miscarriage happened and then that call happened. Then you came I I remember, because I remember being angry about that all over again like that woman I don't know her story, but she was able to carry a baby fully and healthy to the end of her pregnancy and kill it and then the baby just died. You know, and I'm like I loved my baby. I didn't even get to meet him yet and then you got to meet your baby, you know.
Speaker 5:And it passed away. Yeah, that's hard.
Speaker 4:So I started developing a hardness in my heart for the Lord. You know, I basically told him I was like what love is there? You know what I mean. Basically told him I was like what love is there? You know what I mean. Like I, I know that, um, I know that pain and suffering doesn't come from you, but I mean, what good is it to bring a child into the world or allow someone to get pregnant you know all these different things for just to end like that, you know, um, cause you know everything, why would you do that? And so my heart started to really harden very quickly, um, and I started to really distance myself, uh, from the Lord and uh, I just wanted to run and, um, I didn't want anything to do. I stopped praying and, um, I was like you know what I'm, just I need a break. You know it was like I don't, like I don't see, I don't see your love, I don't see the hope. You know what I mean.
Speaker 3:And um, there, there was a, there was another call and I would imagine any first responder would agree that, um, and as a, as a pastor, it's crazy, it's. It's clearly different, it's a completely different experience. But on those worst days that people have, we always will also get called, and I've done more than my share of funerals for babies, children. You know horrible circumstances where you're, as y'all do, do the physical triage or you're dealing with the physical loss, and then we come in and we're dealing with spiritual loss, and it's always so much harder when it's a kid and so you, you're the question that you're talking about, taylor. That is the question. Why is?
Speaker 3:I don't know how it is in the state of Florida, but in the state of North Carolina there are far more children in need of foster care than there are foster families. And then the foster families that there are, there's so few that are gospel-driven. There are a lot of Christiansians, obviously, in foster care, that the gospel motivates us to that, but there are a lot that aren't. Probably the majority are, but but why don't more christians? So where my, where my mind goes in these situations is as believers, how are we supposed to respond? Well, you can't respond to a lady dies and smothers her kid right when you know, it's kind of like well, if a kid gets taken from their mom, where's the church? Christians need to step up. Let's do orphan care, let's do foster care, let's do widow care. But what makes these circumstances so difficult is there is no follow-up. There's nothing you can do. Show up baby's dead just like closure.
Speaker 3:There's no closure. And when? When did there's a story that you told me that y'all shared the other night with multiple kids involved? What and was that later then?
Speaker 4:it was, it was. Are you comfortable?
Speaker 3:sharing that because to me that's a monumental part of y'all's story yeah, and it was um.
Speaker 4:It was a little later actually no, the um, the multiple kids, I think that had come first. That was in, uh, october. Uh, we had our miscarriageriage in January and then it was the baby and you know, and seeing a lot of stuff all in between, you know, just like every first monitor has. Like I said, every day you don't know what's coming down, you don't know what the tones are dropping, you don't know what's going to be on the other end. But yeah, that that call that really got started getting me in a dark place was, you know, as a first responder, that's your job. Go and save somebody, right, that's what you want to do. I want to save the hard part that we have to accept as firefighters law enforcement. You're called after. You respond. You can't prevent. And so we got a call one morning. It was 8.30 in the morning. That typically doesn't happen. It's weird to get a call to a stretch fire. That's one in the daytime, especially in the morning. It just kind of caught us off guard. I don't know, that's kind of strange. Maybe it's a false alarm, but it wasn't One of the worst calls that our department had seen for a long time. Our department served in a very big area with very little manpower and so, luckily, we had a rescue and a brush truck out near that call. You're talking to three people, three bodies, two were firemen, one was just a medic and they get there within, I want to say, five to seven minutes of the call. Now, granted, everybody else in the world is coming, but it takes everybody else in the world, including me, 18 minutes to get here. That's a lifetime, especially because you've got to think no matter the world, including me, 18 minutes to get here, that's a lifetime, especially because you've got to think, um, no matter the calls, it had to happen first for someone to call, so there's already time that's elapsed before this. Um, so they get there. Um, I do believe it was the parents who and this is from their account had stumbled into the yard from the house and the house is fully involved and the parents are in rough shape. The parents had suffered burns externally, internally, and all they were able to manage to say was we have kids in the house. So you hear that Especially. I mean it is funny.
Speaker 4:People think every time they see an engine going down the road with its lights on, that it's super serious, and sometimes it's not. Sometimes they're singing to Taylor Swift or something like that. They're going down the road because it's a way of coping, it's an everyday thing. That's, you know, not crazy at the moment but other times, especially when you hear structure, fire, right. You hear MVA, you hear, you know the big calls, you're focused, you're right back into school, you're right back into your training, you're right back into how they taught you. You're thinking about apartment protocols and procedures. What do we do? What are our stages? And it only gets cranked up whenever you hear there's children inside, anybody inside, right To experience, and firefighters listen, tell you, you know you put on that gear, right.
Speaker 4:I told you the other night especially, there's a hard part of starting to identify as a firefighter because you put on the bunker gear. You feel invincible. I can take on the world, I am Superman, right, you take this on, you're important and you can do things. But that gear saves you from a lot. But it's still hot and you know what it feels like in that gear. And I told you when I went into this house I thought I was so upset with myself. I thought that I forgot my hood. It was burning my ears up, but I had it on. I found out after I had it on, it was just that hot.
Speaker 4:And so you're sitting here thinking there's people inside every second matters and it's only getting hotter. And so everybody's getting there, everybody, and it's only getting hotter. And so everybody's getting there, everybody's doing their job. Everybody's doing a fantastic job. They're doing everything they're supposed to be doing. Sheriff's office is helping, everybody's doing their part to help as fast as possible, as fast as people are getting brought out. The medics are treating them. I know by the time I have arrived with our tanker and the chief has pulled me off and he sends me inside. He hands me our third-world imaging camera and the only thing the chief says is go find them. And so I would love to sit here and say that every time we go on a call, we're able to follow protocol.
Speaker 4:Nfpa states like you have two firefighters in, you need to have two firefighters out ready to go in. You can't do that all the time. Sometimes you are by yourself and the law would would see her look at you like no, you broke a rule, like I don't care in this moment. You know what I mean. Every, every law enforcement officer or firefighter, right? Um, they're doing the job to help people and so fine, take away my certification. But I'm not going to look somebody in the eye and say I've got to wait for somebody. No, they're, they're not. They didn't call you to hear I've got to wait.
Speaker 4:So I go inside. Um, I help our Lieutenant carry out an adult too. I don't think we were expecting. He was a friend living there. I helped grab his legs and he's burned pretty good but not too bad. We get him outside. Uh, he didn't make it.
Speaker 4:And uh, I go back in and, like I said, you don't, you don't look outside, you do a size up. When you get there, the initial uh officer, the initial firefighter, will give a scene size up and look at everything. But other than that they've already done that. You get there, you go to work. So, um, I go in. We don't realize how bad the house is. I know one of the guys that said that they already searched this room. So I started into a different room and it's just chaos inside this place. And little did I know the room that I had started in was the most compromised room of the house. Had to be where it started. I go through the floor and I'm by myself. Number one rule that we don't go by ourselves, and so I go through the floor and um you fought.
Speaker 3:The floor collapses or it caves. You fall through it.
Speaker 4:I did yeah so and I and I don't remember a loss of consciousness. I can't tell you how much time it elapsed, I really don't think it was long. But I go to the floor and I hit my helmet I mean, you're talking, you know like. I weigh 234. Our gear is good 50 to 75 pounds on top of that and I go down and I hit my head on the frame slash cross beam that's underneath trailers.
Speaker 4:And all I remember is hearing a guy who came in behind me calling for me, and so I picked myself up out of the floor. I was hanging halfway through Um and uh. I go to him and he's like where, you know, where did you leave off from? And I was like this room is not survivable. I was like I can't even go in here, it's just a danger. This room is not survivable. A psychic can't even go in here. It's just a danger. And as much as that hurts to say, you know they train you. You have to look out for yourself and the other responders on scene, because if you go down, who do we call? If you go down, you can't help anybody. So I remember just us saying you know this room's gone.
Speaker 4:You had other teams searching other parts of the house, and so we're focused on this area and I go into a bedroom and I look everywhere as best I can All around the bed, top of the bed, under the bed, everywhere I find what I think is a child. And in the heat of it, you know, you start dragging what you believe is me, a victim, out. I get almost all the way out and it's the dog. The dog's already dead, and so you know children over dogs any day. So you drop the dog dog and you go back and I get back in the room, I pick up where I'm at and I don't find anything.
Speaker 4:And at this point we're all in two or three bottles, and what I mean by that is our bottles. They're 45-minute bottles now, but whenever you're huffing and puffing and especially you're out of shape, that bottle's doing 15 to 30 minutes. And we're all two, three bottles deep. A lot of bigger departments. They're in, they're out. One bottle, but we wouldn't stop.
Speaker 4:And so I come out and I look at the chief. I'm like we had to have found them all right. He said no, there's still one. And I remember thinking I was like there's. You know, wherever they're at, other teams will find them. You know what I mean. There's there's no way that I've missed anybody. And um, little did I know. After I had already sat down, some people had noticed that I had been acting a little strange and they, you know later on so you know, signs of a concussion, whatever. They had me sit down in the rehab area. Um, the two guys who got there initially had went back in and they went through the back window. I think a grandparent maybe, or somebody had arrived and told him like this, where the kids mainly are. I, I think a grandparent maybe or somebody had arrived and told them this is where the kids mainly are. I can't remember, but they go back in and they find a baby and for some reason this baby was kept in a bassinet in the closet and I didn't see a closet.
Speaker 4:At least I didn't see anything in that closet. You're sweeping your hand around trying to find everything. A partner had taken the camera. You're sweeping, I didn't see it. You can say all day long, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 4:That kid was most likely already gone because none of the kids made it. We got everybody out, but too late and I was so responsible. So you deal with that and you see this, this is your Monday, this is your whatever. And then you're supposed to go home and be super dad, yeah, super dad. So, um, just a lot. So, anyway, um, it just all started stacking up and eventually, like you know, after all this happened, I said I've had enough. I don't see, I don't see the hope anymore, I don't see the good. I was like god, where the? You know you are, it's not here. So I turned my back on him and the second I did that. I mean I found the lowest point that I'd ever seen. I grew up, you know, good godly Christian parents, good godly Christian home. I mean I did exactly what my parents wanted me to. Never, you know, nothing a good spanking couldn't fix.
Speaker 4:It was never anything bad and uh, we call them whoopings in the mountains oh, yeah, yeah I imagine eric give a whooping spanking was from mom, whooping was from dad. Um, but uh, other than that, I'd never experienced a time that I had really pushed away the Lord and experienced what my life would be like without him and it just started getting darker and darker and eventually I just got miserable.
Speaker 4:There's no joy left. Because little did I know until I really found out for myself later that the Lord is our joy. Our joy is found in the Lord. That is it. That's why the world looks at us and says what is different about them. It's because they have joy. Why are they so happy? Why do they have hope? Right now, I do not.
Speaker 4:When I turned away from it, I lost that joy. Like I said, you take in brothers, you take in advice. I'm like, oh, I love my job. I love my job. It's the best job in the world. It really is a great job being able to help people. It's a manly job Heavy tools, busting stuff up Through advice from others and my own mind.
Speaker 4:I was like I must be unhappy at home, and it took a lot. But I came to Taylor. I was like, hey, you know, listen, I'm unhappy this or that, whatever. And all of a sudden I go to work the next day. It just gets worse. I come home, I go back, I come home and eventually I told her I was like hey, listen, I want a divorce, which is insane, because I got in such a dark place and I mean this is my one and only you know I saw her, you know ninth grade I was like this is the woman I'm going to marry. And to go from just every step in life that we have wanting to do it together to be like, yeah, no, I need to start something new without you is mind-blowing, and the shame and guilt it's unbearable. And so once I had started that process and I had hurt her and here I here I am, running from the Lord I was like I can't stop now, I can't let him catch me, I can't turn and face what I've done.
Speaker 4:I just got to keep going. And God bless Callahan For the pastors who are listening your job is never done. Job is never done. The connections you build, they last forever. We talk all the time about how you can have the most fun at a game, you can have the coolest food, you can have the coolest looking youth building, but connections and relationships are what make people stay.
Speaker 5:Not stay at the church but stay in the walk.
Speaker 4:Stay in the faith, Stay in their walk. And so Taylor's going to Callahan, going to Delany. Our best friends.
Speaker 2:She's telling them all this. I don't know what else to?
Speaker 4:do. Yeah, no, and I had isolated myself. I was like no, I don't want to go see Callahan, no, I don't want to go see Delany, because I'm running and I know for a. And so Callahan calls me one night. He's like what are you doing? And we're talking about loving gentle Callahan. And Callahan gives me this conversation and he's rough and he's in my face over the phone and he's just like I mean he called me out on everything and he's like what are you doing? And he helped me realize we had a conversation. He's like what are you doing? He helped me realize we had a conversation. He was like Blake, are you saved or not? I was like I am, I know I am, I got saved at your house. He's like okay. He said well, you're either going to continue running from the Lord to the point where you're not going to, like you're basically saying I don't want to be used by you, he said and Christians who aren't useful for the kingdom, christians who refuse to do their job, their task, what has been placed before them?
Speaker 4:He said you're basically looking at sin unto death, the Lord just says all right, I'm just going to bring you home because I might as well. And he said but then also, you need to consider you know you're saved People who are saved. You know we are held accountable for the sins we have here on earth. We stand before God with Christ in front of us, right, and he looks at Christ and he says okay, you know, well done, good job, he said. But what you will be held accountable for, he said, are the blessings and responsibilities that the Lord has blessed you with and what you've done with that. He said you have been blessed as a father, you've been blessed as a husband, and what are you doing with it? And I, immediately on the phone, callahan didn't even believe me. He didn't believe me on the phone. I was like you're right. He's like, don't tell me what I want to hear. I was like you're right, he's like, don't tell me what I want to hear. I was like no, no, no, Um, just, I had ran and I knew that if I just let a little bit of light like God back in my life, just a little bit that, um, all that darkness I was trying to hide up, it would just fall apart. And so I had to. I realized these terrible choices I was making were all because I finally got to see, in a life of, like I said, growing up not doing really anything bad, but a life you know his presence, to see how he can, uh what, see what he made me to be. Um, I, I did not know how much I needed him until this moment and, um, I wish it didn't take this moment for me to figure that out. But it was life changing.
Speaker 4:I came to Taylor after that phone call. I got home. I was out. I got home, I woke her up and I was like I'm wrong, I'm so wrong. And Taylor's like what do you mean? I was like everything, everything is so wrong. I said I need forgiveness and I understand if you can give it to me now. I said but I want everything back and I never want to go back to where I am right now. I said and I vow to you as our children's father, as your husband. I said we will never, never get to this point again. And you know we had. We had come to terms.
Speaker 4:I was like the job is job and you know we had we had come to terms. I was like the job is job. It's a good job. I still love that job. I said, but I, for our family, I got, I got a setback from this job immediately and it was which you know side note, don't think that I just completely you know, uh left with with no backup plan. But uh, even if I didn't have a backup plan, uh, I knew what needed to happen for my family. We were, we were done uh for now and, um, it was something that needed to happen drastically. I I'll let you just speak to you know that moment and what's happened after, cause I can sit here and say all day long oh no, I've you know I've changed, or you know I'm doing better.
Speaker 4:I'll, but you, you know you're always honest.
Speaker 3:That. That moment when he came to you and said when Blake came to you and said I won't. That moment when he came to you and said when Blake came to you and said basically I want a divorce, I don't want to be in this marriage anymore, can you talk a little bit about? Was that a complete blindside?
Speaker 5:I mean it was.
Speaker 3:Or had you felt like okay, something, we're growing apart or he's becoming distant.
Speaker 5:I knew something was wrong with him.
Speaker 5:Something was up. He wasn't himself, for it was quick. It was like oh, he's his normal, like chipper, happy-go-lucky, you know what I mean? Like, of course, we would like talk about stuff from the job and I would like talk to him about it as much as he definitely didn't want me to bear like any of his like burdens from work, and so he would be like I, you don't need to know about that. I'm like, well, somebody needs to know about it, like you're gonna have to share about it.
Speaker 5:But so he went from like his normal self to like something's off with blake, I don't really know what's going on. And he'd come home from work. I'm like, hey, are you doing okay? He's like, yeah, I'm good. Why I'm like you just don't seem yourself. You would be more short-tempered or frustrated or really would. Our daughter would do something that was like her normal behavior and he would just get extra angry and I was like why she's? She's one or two, she was little. I'm like she's 18 months old, like she's gonna be an 18 month old, um. But and then it went from that to like um, I don't know something's going on, like you're doing these things that are making me unhappy. I'm like none of these things are fresh, like we've been together for nine years. There are things that we've done the whole time we've been together.
Speaker 4:I turned every little thing into something yeah.
Speaker 5:He was trying to find a like, a reason to run away. It felt like, and I was like I don't know what's going on. And then it was like I want to get a divorce. And I was like, um, I was like because of these like little things that you think like now that they matter I don't even remember what the things were, cause they were so insignificant I was like nothing, like there's nothing wrong. And he was like, um, I've been thinking about it and like I think you need to make a plan for you or whatever. I'm definitely going to be involved in the girl's life. Like I'm not going to be a dad.
Speaker 5:I was like, excuse me, and I was just like I was taken aback and I was like my like all of the stuff that had been going on up into this point, the Lord's like you need to love your husband. You have to love your husband. Well, I'm like, after like he's doing all these horrible things, like he is not acting like my husband that I love. Why do you want me to love him? Well, if at all, like I want to be mean to him and spiteful, and and he just like kept weighing on my heart. Like you need to love, just pray over him, love your husband, love your husband. And I was like I don't like him. I don't like him right now, I don't want to love him right now. And he came to me. He was like I want to get a divorce. I told him no and he was like he was like you're not allowed to say no.
Speaker 5:And I was like I am saying no because I I said yes and I said yes to from now to death and we're alive and I'm saying no. And it was a few times that you like came back and you were like Taylor, I want to get a divorce, I don't think we need to be married anymore, like this isn't good for us, like we're going in opposite directions. So these things are what he brought up, whatever reasons they were, and I looked him in the eyes and said I'm not getting a divorce. It's like I'm getting someone to draw up papers. I was like you can drop all the papers that you want to.
Speaker 4:I'm not saying that we had, we had backed I mean, like I said, I was running so hard we had backed out of church. We were no longer um serving, um in any capacity, because we weren't I wasn't fit to, we weren't fit to well, it was like right after our miscarriage.
Speaker 5:So I was already like very emotional and like the lord brought me back from that. It was, I don't know, like I still struggle, but like the lord, I came back to good graces before this started, which was a blessing because I didn't know that, like I needed to, I needed to find like the love at the first. You know what I mean. I needed to re fall in love with the lord and um into a relationship with him and to be stronger than I was before to be able to handle what was coming next.
Speaker 3:You know so from that moment to when he came and said I was wrong, I'm sorry, forgive me. Did that catch you? Like? Were you like? What like were you in? You're in a spot where how are we going to get through this? How, how do I keep this marriage together? And then he just shows up one day and says that or was it like you started to see him soften and come around? What was that like?
Speaker 5:oh no, it was like abrupt like abrupt, like you turned from something to flee the other way, like it was literally one night we had like?
Speaker 3:Did you feel like the weight of the world just went, or were you more like? I don't trust this.
Speaker 5:I trusted it. Okay, I love him more than.
Speaker 3:More than he's worth having you love him. So much better the beauty of marriage, gospel-centered marriage.
Speaker 5:And I trusted it whenever he said it. But I told, like I told him I love you and I'm going to forgive you, but it's it hurts. It hurts really, really bad, because you're, if it's a gospel-centered marriage, like we got married for you to love me, like jesus loves me. You know, and you messed up, you messed up bad and jesus never did that. He didn't make me feel like I was less than or unlovable, you know it was the hardest, darkest part and, um, that's why I was so.
Speaker 4:It weighed on me heavy whenever you would ask and I honestly I think when you initially asked you thought it'd be more, uh, fun department stuff a little bit more, more fun it was.
Speaker 3:You had mentioned that house fire with those kids dying, and but in my mind I didn't know all this. So I was like, oh, like solid man, his faith drives him. Let's tell this story and be an encouragement of how god will carry you through this kind of situation, which is completely not what was going on. So I was way wrong.
Speaker 4:But it turned into this is turned into much more of a gospel story that it's lined up perfectly honestly with this, this camp um, with what you're doing this summer I running what I did you know it like has to see that horrible, horrible black hole in that part of our lives. Whenever you asked about this, I was like I told Taylor, I said this is the chance to have God take this and make this beautiful right and to show his glory, right For him to use it for good, to help someone else. And if I say no, then I've completely wasted that horrible opportunity and I'm denying the Lord a chance Right. And so I would definitely tell people, especially other first responders don't let your identity become the job, don't let it become the uniform, don't let it dictate your character, because, first and foremost, you are a child of God and he has a path for you. And if you are doing like I was doing and you're just running, you're not wanting to face a decision you made, whether it's something that's already happened in the past or something that you're wanting to do. You've got to stop, you've got to turn around, you've got to face it. Because the other thing that I was thinking about and not wanting to stop running was because I had truly, at this point, felt that I'm beyond redemption. I am so far down this rabbit hole. How could god love me? I've turned from him and I have now hurt the blessings that he has given me. Yeah, how could he take me back? And I tell you, I was actually listening to a swole podcast when I broke down in my truck after this, after I had said I'm wrong and I'm just struggling with this whole like how can I even be loved by him again? You know, um, I'm expecting, I'm honestly, I'm expecting to to die any day because, like, how am I worth having here anymore? And in your podcast you were talking, you're like nobody can outrun the grace. There's no sin in your life that is bigger than his love.
Speaker 4:And there was another pastor who I told you about in a video that Richard showed. It was just the congregation, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. And the pastor basically had said God has a plan for you and you have a path in this life. God's plan basically winds around all of the ups and downs, all of the mountains and valleys. It goes around your mistakes, it goes around your wins, right, he's not caught off guard. And so if you weren't worth his time or his love couldn't, you know, extend to that, then he wouldn't have reached out in the first place. And he said there's nothing, nothing in this life that he will not just accept and wash away.
Speaker 4:You know we talked about. We talked about Matthew ask and you shall receive. Seek and you will find, and documentary refers to you. Seek God and you ask him for forgiveness. You ask him to come into your life and change it. Ask him for redemption. It's a yes, it's never a no. There's nothing you can do. It's always a no. There's nothing you can do. It's always a yes. And it's exactly what I needed to hear. And so, when we had rejoined in getting involved in ministry and rebuilding everything parenting, rebuilding marriage all I want to do is to help people avoid situations where they feel like I'm beyond redemption and just showing them say, no, you're not. Because there are people like me who have been in the deepest valleys and God has picked them up and said I still love you, no matter where you go. We sing a song this week I left you and I got lost. I lost where I was, but you know exactly where I left you. You know exactly. And you picked me right back up and you brought me right back, and so it's beautiful.
Speaker 3:Thank y'all. It was a big ask for me to ask y'all to sit down and do this. You know you're asking people to go to the darkest, hardest moments of their life and to do it in front of cameras and on microphones and say publicly as a whole yeah, Other thing but that's you know.
Speaker 3:We have a story and it needs to be told, and every, every believer has a story that needs to be told. And one of the things I love about NSR is I'm not interested in having celebrities on here. I'm not interested in finding all the seal team six guys that are now YouTube influencers and interview. You're like, I don't listen to and watch a lot of stuff, but it seems like there's this whole world of podcasting and video and but it's the same hundred people interviewing each other about these big movie worthy stories. I'm like man. Our tagline is stories from around the globe and it's gospel stories of just people being faithful, people going through mess. What resonates with people that listen to NSR is a story like y'all's, because there's people listening to this that either have a similar story or are in the middle of it, or it's going to serve as something to guard against, and I'm just grateful y'all. Let the Lord use it. What are y'all doing this afternoon? Chilling?
Speaker 4:We're going to go have fun with our kids. Good you, what are y'all doing this?
Speaker 3:afternoon Chilling. We're going to go have fun with our kids. Good, you deserve it, enjoy.
Speaker 4:Thank y'all.
Speaker 3:Thank y'all so much.
Speaker 2:Yeah, thanks for listening to no Sanity Required. Please take a moment to subscribe and leave a rating. It really helps. Visit us at SWOutfitterscom to see all of our programming and resources and we'll see you next week on no Sanity Required.
